I often think of my own deliverance from sin in terms of how it affects or benefits me. In one sense, that’s good. I should think about how I’m redeemed, justified, forgiven, set free, loved, and so forth, and how God’s love benefits me. It would be quite concerning if I didn’t think about my own relationship with God and the advantage and delight it brings me.
However, I should also give thought to how my deliverance from sin and relationship with God should affect and benefit others. Redemption and close fellowship with God will inevitably lead to the people around me being blessed. It is our tendency to think too much about ourselves and not enough about how our redemption should benefit and bless others. How about you?
To care only about our own confession of Christ and not about how that confession must lead to love is a horrible way to think about our relationship with God. Confessing Christ is vital and necessary, but faith without love is dead (James 2:17). Any confession of Christ that is not accompanied by deep love for Christ’s church is an illegitimate confession. We show people our faith by our love (James 2:18). True believers will care a lot about whether their deliverance from sin is practically benefiting the people around them. In particular, are you thinking about how your redemption is benefiting and blessing your spouse?
The Apostle Paul wrote, “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace” (Eph. 1:7). Rejoice in your redemption. Also, think about how your spouse can benefit from it. Redemption inevitably leads to love. And believe it or not, loving our spouses begins with loving God. Loving God is primary for you and me, and we can’t truly love our spouses until we are actively loving God more than our spouses.
Here’s where the Ten Commandments are so very helpful. Love for our spouses begins with zealous obedience to the first four commandments. In other words, if we are not zealously striving to obey the first four commandments, we will not be able to truly love our spouses. Our starting point of loving our spouses must be obedience to the first four commandments.
You’ve been delivered from your sin to love your spouse, and that horizontal love begins with vertical love. Here are a few challenging questions. If you want to have a better marriage, by God’s grace alone and by faith, make progress in these things.
- What is getting in the way of my fellowship with God, and how can I rid my life of that idolatry?
- How can I deepen my Biblical knowledge and theology in order to better know, trust, and delight in God?
- Do I adore any images of God, and if I do, how can I repent of that idolatrous adoration?
- How can my worship be better aligned with God’s Word, God’s blueprint of worship?
- How can I talk more with others about what I believe and how God has blessed me in Christ?
- Do I ever use God’s name carelessly, and how can I grow to always use it with reverence, truth, and adoration?
- Am I faithful in my church attendance, and am I going to church for the right reasons?
- Do I go to church every Sunday expecting my heavenly Father to give me the grace I need in the Word and sacraments ministry of my church?
- Am I truly resting on the Lord’s Day and drawing closer to my brothers and sisters in Christ or am I busy with life’s tasks and using the Lord’s Day for selfish purposes?
It’s tempting to think these questions are irrelevant when it comes to marriage, but they are far from irrelevant. In fact, they are the most important questions you can be asking when thinking about loving your spouse more. These actions flow from faith, from dependence on God’s grace.
When basketball players are struggling to hit shots, they go back to form shooting within two feet of the basket. They go back to the basics. Meditate on the gospel (e.g. Apostles’ Creed) and then the first four commandments. Your love starts with the gospel and the first four commandments. Consider the questions I just asked. All of them relate directly to how you love your spouse. The more you obey the first four by true faith, the more you’ll love your spouse. The less you obey the first four, the less you’ll love your spouse. When you’re struggling to love your spouse, you must go back to your faith in the gospel and how the gospel compels you to obey the first four. Remember, to love God is the greatest commandment which flows from faith in Christ. Your spouse will benefit tremendously from you trusting and loving God.
The last six commandments are all about how to love God by loving others. The first four commandments are vertical; the last six are horizontal. But don’t forget that horizontal love is a way to love God as well.
Meditate on the last six commandments. They are exactly how God wants you to love your spouse and others. Obey the last six, and your spouse will be well-loved. You’ve been delivered from your sin to love your spouse. Here are a few challenging questions. If you want to have a better marriage, make progress in these things.
- How can I honor, love, and serve my parents with more patience, kindness, and selflessness?
- How can I show more honor, respect, and submission to those in authority over me, and how can I speak more carefully and kindly of my boss, political leaders, and church leaders?
- What laws do I struggle to obey, and how can I find joy in obeying them?
- How should I be praying for the people God puts in authority over me?
- How can I be a peacekeeper and alleviate tension in the room instead of instigating fights and stirring up conflict?
- In what ways can I think about others more and encourage, serve, and help them more?
- In what ways do I need to forgive my spouse and others?
- How can I be more friendly to everyone I encounter?
- How can I be less angry and harsh and gentler and more warm-hearted toward others?
- Will I do the right thing and talk to someone about my verbal or physical abuse?
- Will I do the right thing and stop looking at pornography and start being more violent in killing lust in my heart?
- How can I talk more openly to my spouse about sex, and who or what resources might help us talk more openly and productively?
- How can I better pursue the sexual pleasure and satisfaction of my spouse?
- Am I too chummy or too touchy with anyone of the opposite sex, and when can I talk with my spouse about appropriate boundaries?
- Am I giving my best to my spouse?
- Am I being diligent with my time and working hard to do high-quality work?
- In what specific ways am I lazy and apathetic in my work, and how is it affecting my spouse?
- How can I be more frugal and responsible with my money, invest more wisely, and be more generous with my time and money?
- How can I be more honest and fairer?
- How can I better love the truth, and what lies do I need to confess?
- How can I be more conscious about not gossiping or slandering others, and how can my words be more encouraging and uplifting?
- Am I keenly aware of the sinful desires of my heart, and am I depending on Christ in prayer pleading for him to transform my sinful desires into sanctified desires?
If you carefully consider these questions and answer them honestly, they will help you love your spouse better, love everyone better. These questions arise from the Ten Commandments which teach you how to love. You’ve been redeemed by Christ to love your spouse more deeply than ever before, and even a little progress in these areas expresses greater love to your spouse.
I want to encourage you to talk with your husband or wife about how you can better express your faith in Christ through practical love for him or her. You need God’s grace and strength, so pray together and depend on your Lord to provide the growth (1 Cor. 3:6).
God gave you your husband or your wife as a gift. Cherish the gift. Devote yourself to following Jesus into a deeper and more satisfying love with your spouse and trust the Lord to work. Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. May not copy or download more than 500 consecutive verses of the ESV Bible or more than one-half of any book of the ESV Bible.
